I woke up this morning reminded of a documentary about Ernest Hemingway.
Apparently, no matter how hard he went the day and night before, when he was working on a story, Big Papa always wrote from first light until roughly noon.
I was not given either the ability to forgo sleep for drinking and carousing, nor gifted with a natural proclivity for getting up at the crack of dawn.
Once upon a historical time, everyone's internal clocks were governed by daylight. It was (largely) the only light there was. But since the 1880's humans have had electric lighting.
Hemingway was born in 1899; he was still on the original sun up clock. By today's standards, the need of sunlight for lighting is a moot point and society has been altered by changes to the internal clocks of people.
I am one of those people. My internal clock has been off, according to the world, for my entire existence. I was one of those kids that just couldn't get it together for the school schedule. I had insomnia in middle school.
Maybe it was inherited, but I think the real, however unspoken, culprit of insomnia is trying to fit a non-standard internal clock into a standard daytime schedule.
Supposedly shift work is detrimental. And I don't doubt that it is for people pulling second or third shift that have internal clocks set to first shift hours. However, I would bet that there are also a fair number of people working first shift that are fighting the detrimental effects on their internal clocks of conforming to that shift.
If they would offer not-shift-work jobs on shift-work schedules, I bet there would be some very happy, not to mention mentally sharper people in the world.
In my early professional years, I was all about shift work. Second shift is 2-10ish pm and was perfect for someone with my internal clock. I could get up when I wanted, and make it to work with plenty of time. I could handle any personal business outside of work hours, and at the end of the shift, there was still plenty of time to socialize. It fit me and my natural internal timing well. I rocked second shift like nobody's business. Two problems with second shift though; first there's no consistency to the scheduling in those positions. My work days would change every week. I never knew how much my checks were going to be because I didn't know how many hours I was getting each week. The second problem with second shift, is the bigger the boss, the earlier his or her shift.
Regardless of the company or the department, as I graduated to better positions, they all required a 'first shift' schedule of 9ish to 5ish.
There were things I really liked about these jobs, but the schedule was never one.
I was exhausted when the alarm would blare me awake. I was awake when it was time to go to bed. My brain didn't want to kick into gear until after lunch, but I was also exhausted because my sleep wasn't right so I would alternate between brilliantly sharp, and napping at my desk. I always had to take time off to handle any personal business. If I went out to lunch it was with every other day worker - fighting for their space and time in the drive-thru. And last, but not least, I was always stressed because everything about me was out of time with how my system wanted to run naturally.
I conformed. I went and did on everyone else's timeline. Just like most adults, you simply do whatever you need to do, right? Fold yourself to fit whatever box is going to help you make the world go round. No big deal; hardly even a thought given.
After a while, through being in the world as I was, I forgot my own natural rhythms. I was miserable for the very reasons I listed earlier. The timing of my internal clock was off. I was exhausted and looking at every other possible reason other than the truth: I was disregarding my own system.
Not having an alarm clock jolt me awake has been one of the best things about being laid off.
We're empty-nesters. This must be stated. Consistency of schedule hasn't been a thing in our house for six months. People with children at home can not do this.
Allowing your natural schedule to return isn't for the faint of heart.
At first you sleep like the dead. When you finally stop recouping from years of lack of sleep, then you wind up awake when you typically would sleep and fall out when you would normally be awake. You wind up at the grocery store on Monday at 10 pm and on Wednesday at 6 am and you don't even work there. You call family and friends and are made aware how completely upside-down everything about your schedule feels.
Somehow, someway, over the course of a few, or several, or many weeks you find your new normal.
Now when we are awoken instead of awakening naturally, it's to a phone call from one of the kids on their way to work, or the dog wanting to chase the garbage men. Either one is preferable to the assault of an alarm hurrying me to a day of trying to keep up while being off my game from the moment my eyes fly open wildly.
We still keep appointments and honor due dates, but the rest of our timelines run on ISH-ness. Its wonderful.
My personal clock now runs somewhere from between 7-10ish am to midnight-4ish am. Coffee is whenever we get up. Our first meal usually happens between noonish and 3ish. Then again, it may not happen at all. We still adhere to dinner time (usually) but now it varies between 6ish and 11ish depending on the day.
I've come to realize that some of us are not made to fit what the world considers normalcy. Its a freedom that I didn't know existed and I revel in it.
Like Big Papa, I only have one area of true discipline left; to my writing.
And I've learned to become very okay with that.
